P.J. Vogt, host of the Search Engine podcast, interviews writer Meghan O’Gieblyn, “who started lying to herself about her relationship to alcohol and God. And afterwards wondered: when did it start? Why did it happen? How do you make peace with the part of yourself that wants something that could destroy you?”
“There’s this ideal state of wholeness that I think is the motivation for so many religious disciplines or spiritual disciplines. This idea that, oh, if I can finally let go of my ego, I’ll finally be at peace with myself, and I won’t be arguing with myself.”
O’Gieblyn talks about surrendering to addiction as ecstatic experience.
I am not an alcoholic or an addict (other than caffeine, which I don’t think counts for this type of discussion). I was a heavy smoker and compulsive eater at one time. I am very familiar with having a constant, self-critical voice in my head and I can absolutely understand the temptation to do a thing that shuts that voice down, even if doing that thing burns your life down in the process.
I think I will read her book next. It’s “Will and Attention.”