I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
— Amish PornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) December 2, 2015
Pro tip: Don't trust people that don't have spoon marks in their jar of peanut butter
— Doug Bies (@dougbies) July 6, 2016
Whenever someone says they have "a thing" for me, I secretly hope it's a pony.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) May 27, 2015
All I ask is that you love me from afar.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) September 19, 2014
Doc Brown stole nuclear weapons and tested time travel on his dog but sure, he can hang out with my teenage son
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) June 26, 2016
Safety tip: When lighting fireworks, wrap each finger in brightly-colored tape. It will make them easier to find when you blow them off.
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) July 2, 2016
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) June 23, 2016
Them: sir there's no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
— Lawyer Thoughts (@lawyerthoughts) July 16, 2015
It's just like my dad used to say:
"Who the hell are you? Get out of my bathroom."
— Zachary (Lamp) (@Pro_Jones_) June 6, 2016
Therapist: So tell me, what do you remember?
Elephant: *tearing up and gazing blankly out the window* Everything.
— Zachary James (@Pro_Jones_) June 5, 2016
"Which Game Of Thrones character are you?" is also an actual question people ask Rickon Stark.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 23, 2016
This week is a great reminder that death and Beyoncé albums could come at any time
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 24, 2016