SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What's that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
— Hans Grubertron (@HansGrubertron) January 4, 2019
The Programmers’ Credo: we do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they were going to be easy
— Pinboard (@Pinboard) August 5, 2016
me: [snuggled in bed] oh wow this is nice
legs: omg so warm
feet: omg so warm
hands: omg so warm
bladder: hey guys
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) January 8, 2019
Madam Abomah. Born sometime around 1862, she traveled all over the world as the tallest woman in the world. She was billed as being 7'6? tall, but evidence suggested she was more in the 6'10 range. More photos: t.co/jY2fW3lVma pic.twitter.com
— History Lovers Club (@historylvrsclub) December 16, 2018
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
— Kris P Kreme 🧩 (@krisv_723) April 26, 2018
The inventor of Pop Rocks:
Sugar isn't enough, it should also detonate.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 28, 2017
On MSNBC, @DonnyDeutsch gets it exactly right on Trump.
This is what will bring him down, and why it is entirely inevitable at this point. pic.twitter.com
— Dave Pell (@davepell) December 12, 2018
This is what will destroy Donald Trump and his family. Not Russia, not the women, not his campaign finance. His real-estate business has been a shady, criminal enterprise for 30 years and plenty of people in New York know it.
And those of us who didn’t know it … knew it. Trump has been a figure on the New York gossip pages for nearly 40 years, and from the beginning everybody knew he was dirty. You might find him entertaining — you might even like him and admire his chutzpah — but you wouldn’t want to do business with him, because you knew he’d rip you off.
Marc Andreessen suddenly deletes all his tweets, goes on Twitter break – John Mannes, TechCrunch
Starting Sept. 19, the 140-character count will no longer include media attachments such as GIFS, images, and videos, as well as quoted tweets (Chris Welch, The Verge).
I wonder if URLs will also be excluded.
Just wanted to share a precious tool of mindfulness I use every morning, I wake up and say god grant me the serenity to WHERE IS COFFEEEEEEE
— Xeni (@xeni) August 11, 2016
Suicide Squad's one Asian is a samurai. Its one Latino is a gang member. If it had a Canadian character, it would be a bottle of maple syrup
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 2, 2016
Siri, when will the machines be taking over?
"I'm really sorry you asked that, Alex. Really."
— The Personification of Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) July 1, 2016
Guess I need to go back to the gym; had to ask my wife to help me open a can of whoop-ass.
— TheAlexNevil Dashing All The Way (@TheAlexNevil) July 1, 2016
If you press someone's belly button and nipple simultaneously, it screenshots them.
— David Blue (@DavidBlue) July 14, 2016
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don't choke any dolphins. If I'm gonna choke a dolphin, it'll be with my bare hands.
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) July 10, 2016
If by "good in bed" you mean "doesn't fall out very often"…
Then, yes…yes, I'm pretty good in bed.
— Amish PornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) June 6, 2016
Sooooo… Do you ever press charges?
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) July 13, 2013