5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
Why should we hire you?
*imagines octopus shooting ink in my face, tentacle choking me and calling me whore*
I like animals.
— orange shirt guy (@awkwardphilippe) May 7, 2015
When I'm bored I go on porn sites and write in the comments part "why are you doing this please come home your father and I are heartbroken"
— jay (@MrBlueLips) February 8, 2014
Don’t judge me for drinking syrup out of the bottle.
— Michael Bushong (@mbushong) March 15, 2016
It's almost as if the linkage between employment and health care is a fundamentally terrible idea.
— Tom Tomorrow (@tomtomorrow) June 30, 2014
"America Runs On Dunkin" is the only slogan that's also an explanation.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) June 6, 2014
I don’t mean to brag about being a badass, but… I sleep with my closet door open and my feet outside the covers.
— Vivian (@VanguardVivian) May 19, 2014