“If Grandpa Joe can dance, Grandpa Joe can work.” www.newyorker.com
Instead of saying hello and goodbye I’m going to say “rock on” from now on.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What's that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
— Hans Grubertron (@HansGrubertron) January 4, 2019
“in every relationship there is the accidental cricket-releaser person and the where-are-all-these-damn-crickets-coming from person, look in your soul and ask: which am I?” [Christopher Ingraham] www.washingtonpost.com
The Programmers’ Credo: we do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they were going to be easy
— Pinboard (@Pinboard) August 5, 2016
I dropped a bottle of cologne in the bathroom. Now my bathroom smells good and won't stop asking me how I'm doin'. 🙄
— Mr. Onederful® (@ericonederful) December 20, 2018
me: [snuggled in bed] oh wow this is nice
legs: omg so warm
feet: omg so warm
hands: omg so warm
bladder: hey guys
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) January 8, 2019
Unless you’re, y’know, looking at porn at the moment. In which case we’ll wait.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
— Kris P Grinchmas 🎄 (@krisv_723) April 26, 2018
From a Tumblr called Shitty New Yorker Cartoon Captions. Hilarious. yeahiwasintheshit.tumblr.com