“If Grandpa Joe can dance, Grandpa Joe can work.” https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/ayn-rand-reviews-childrens-movies
Instead of saying hello and goodbye I’m going to say “rock on” from now on.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What's that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
— Hans Grubertron (@HansGrubertron) January 4, 2019
“in every relationship there is the accidental cricket-releaser person and the where-are-all-these-damn-crickets-coming from person, look in your soul and ask: which am I?” [Christopher Ingraham] https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2018/12/29/i-ordered-box-crickets-internet-it-went-about-well-youd-expect/
The Programmers’ Credo: we do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they were going to be easy
— Pinboard (@Pinboard) August 5, 2016
some financial tips:
-pay off ur min. credit card payments
-create a budget
-save a portion of each paycheck
-oh none of this working? then it’s heist time baby
-get the gang back together
-one last job, then u can all retire
-u did it!!
-but at what cost? rick died in the heist
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 2, 2018
I dropped a bottle of cologne in the bathroom. Now my bathroom smells good and won't stop asking me how I'm doin'. 🙄
— Mr. Onederful® (@ericonederful) December 20, 2018
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won't stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 20, 2016
me: [snuggled in bed] oh wow this is nice
legs: omg so warm
feet: omg so warm
hands: omg so warm
bladder: hey guys
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) January 8, 2019
Unless you’re, y’know, looking at porn at the moment. In which case we’ll wait.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
— Kris P Grinchmas 🎄 (@krisv_723) April 26, 2018